The scene: A hospital emergency room somewhere in Toronto... The players... two doctors and a 285lbs. corpse beneath the traditional blanket over the head...

Doctor One: Sure is weird, isn't it?

Doctor Two: Yeah. They found him... his fist through the television... it was a heart attack brought about through stress...

Doctor One: D'ya think this is how people will see it?

Doctor Two: Probably not... after all, the guy did look into spooks and spectres... and considering what he was watching...

Image superimposes on the screen of a newspaper... the headline... "GHOST INVESTIGATOR KILLED BY OBVIOUSLY CURSED TV SHOW"

Next scene: Two guys sitting in front of a computer screen...

Guy One: Yeah, I know that's what happened...

Guy Two: Get out!

Guy One: No! Seriously! He was watching "Most Haunted" and Derek Acorah scared him to death! Honest!

Fade to black...

Welcome to what I honestly believe COULD BE my post-mortem World!

Oh, the two guys... they are wrong... no, I wasn't scared to death... what happened was I finally popped a blood vessel, had a spontaneous stroke, and in a fit of rage, lashed out at my television set whilst expiring from an anger-induced heart attack.

Aside from my thoughts about "Most Haunted" and honestly, Derek Acorah, (which, I admit, mirrors this... although my venom is partially placated by knowing that Mr. Acorah is apparently a very nice person in person...) and I'd like to share something I wrote back in 2003 about the show...

Yvette Fielding - The host. Okay, lady, if you can't take the heat, get the HECK out of the kitchen! This woman goes into conniption fits at every damned location. Her histrionics are the stuff of comedy more than documentary! My goodness, if ghosts scare you this much, why are you on this show???? "I'd wet my pants if I ever saw a ghost! I think I'll go into this haunted castle and wander around in the dark!" For goodness sake, I realise that "selling soap" is important and that the producers probably see her screaming fits as "entertainment" but, let's be honest here, they're not much more than elaborate dramatics.

Of course, THIS and ALL THIS came to light not long after...

Anyway, neither Yvette and the show nor even Mr. Acorah will be the death of me...

I continued in 2003...

The "Parapsychologists". These are the guys (usually) that are supposed to be the science behind the stupidity. What credentials do these guys have? We're never told, but their hypothesis and theories are based on popular misconceptions more so than real science.

Then I could go on about their "evidence collection" techniques... Controls? Who needs those! I'm sorry, if I had a chance to perform actual study in some of these places for the amount of time they're given, I'd be VERY careful about my data collection as this would be an excellent chance to capture evidence... They don't seem to care... again, selling soap wins.

One show that really made me scream "FOUL!" is the one in a basement... I think and inn or pub... where they did an old Harry Price trick which is a really good and cheap way of possibly finding something... They took a piece of paper, and placed an object on it. Normally, this would be a coin and you'd check on the paper and coin later to see if it had been moved without "human intervention", but for dramatic effect, they used a crucifix. This would be bad enough, but there was a light at the end of this very dark, very silly tunnel... They trained a camera on it and abandoned it... and they teased during the show that they had indeed captured something with this experiment. I was excited... until... they ran the footage...

Indeed, the paper moved, but sadly enough, the camera angle DIDN'T show the whole paper and it was the paper that moved, not the cross. How do we know that there wasn't someone there tugging on an edge of the paper off camera? Answer: WE DON'T! ARRRGH!

Why didn't this man of investigation and science ensure that the camera caught all the entire scene and the entire paper? My honest guess, it was a hoax. More selling soap.

Oh yes... those who are SUPPOSED to be "colleagues" of mine... they will truly be the death of me.

What brings all this up?

Well, this weekend past, we watched a show about "Haunted Scotland" on TV... and the show busted out The Local Ghost Hunters to look around.

Armed with equipment of which they knew little, taking readings of which they knew less, using techniques of which they knew nothing, they ran about proclaiming every damned site they traipsed in to be The most haunted place in Scotland!

Earth to ghost hunters... as a RULE, only ONE place can be "The Most X" of all places that "X" applies to... but they had at least three... which begs the question... if we are to assume, as we must, that all the most haunted locations are equal as they all hold the same title, which one's are more equal than others?

...moving on... because although this was annoying, it wasn't stroke-inducing annoying...

No, that's reserved for their secret weapon... a woman in her forties or fifties with "many years experience" as a psychic... with a thick Scot's brogue... who is their resident psychic...

Now, I don't poop on all psychics... not at all... in fact, I've had some truly outstanding moments with psychics that I cannot properly explain... but in this case, oy ist vey!

You see, they went to a well known historic site that is also a well known historic haunt. Even I, back here in Toronto, Canada, knew of this site and it's tales...

BUT...

We were assured by her "team" that she knew NOTHING of this site... and OH MY! Watching her walk about and guess the reported origins of the ghosts was startling! She was practically batting a thousand!

I mean, just because her accent gave her away as a long-time Scot who proclaims psychic abilities and hangs out with ghost hunters, we KNOW that there was NO WAY that she could have POSSIBLY known about this site and it's legends... Nope! It just NEVER would have come up in conversation.

I mean, at a party, when she announced to the attending that she was a "psychic" who conversed with "ghosts", not ONE soul would have asked her about THIS FAMOUS LOCATION AND IT'S GHOST STORIES... no, that could never have happened.

If you didn't read the last bit with your internal voice DRIPPING with sarcasm, you don't understand me very well.

Aside from this, on other locations... most of them historic sites of Renaissance or pre-Renaissance era, she would almost always suggested that the ghost was "A woman and a baby... something to do with a baby... a tragedy..." and her team would "Oooo!" and "Ahhh!" with appropriate impressitude! (YES, I've just made that word up! Deal with it!)

Sue, being a bastion of common sense as always, pointed out...

Can you name a haunted castle or the like from that era that doesn't feature a tragic story about a woman and a baby?

Touché!

There's a way to ensure a GREAT ghost reading on a site like that... just start babbling about the "poor girl" and her baby... Pretty much a guarantee of 98% accuracy as to the legend... no matter WHERE you are!

Folks, I believe that weird things happen. I believe that some people show a startling ability in what seems to be an impossible area of human skill...

...and yes, I believe that some things deserve measuring and looking into properly...

...but I am so sick and tired of p!ss poor attempts by the yuckles they find for most documentaries.

I don't spend a lot of sleepless nights wondering why so few take our work seriously...

...and yeah, one day, the crapulence... it'll be the death of me.

...and YOU WATCH, the bad eggs will make my death some sort of "legend"... in their own mind.

As I often re-quote... The Stupid! It BURNS!!!