(WARNING: Saracasm ahead...)

All of this is very cathartic... If I offend, I do apologise... but hopefully, I won't...

While surfing through BlogSoldiers, BlogMad, and BlogExplosion, I come across many fantastic blogs that enlighten and entertain me so much... that I wanted to share what REALLY catches my eye and why!

Follow these simple steps and you can have a blog that's as appealing to me as a reader as a jerking hook is entertaining to a fish.

#1: Embed music and videos and force them to start playing whether I want them to or not!

Oh, this is a GREAT thing to do! This way, you make sure I'll hear or see what you felt was so important to post! Don't worry, my system resources are more than fine to handle it... and I only crash now-and-again thanks to the media players that end up launching and trying to roll when I surf by your blog!

#2: Add as many Flash and Javascripts apps as possible!

The more cute things (especially ones that are animated) you can add to a blog, the more eye-catching it is and the more time it takes to load thus making me read the bits that have popped up ahead of the slow-down with things launching and working away! Granted, I can't scroll while it's happening and I'm reading your top few words only... but hey, I have to wait anyway, right?

#3: Don't be afraid to use personal references!

Since you've listed your blog on BlogSoldiers, BlogMad, and BlogExplosion and many people will be coming by your blog for the first time... ensure you use as many "inside jokes" and references to personal friends and whatnot that you can! We'll catch up eventually so don't worry about us!

#4: The English language is for 1d10t5!

When I personally read a blog, I know I'm dealing with a real cool netizen when I see plenty of g33k 5p34k! U r 2 l33t! The more I see "u r" instead of "you're", the more I like it! It makes reading and understanding that much better as it saves the eye strain... I mean reading "u r" is only two letters... versus "you're" which is a whopping 5 letters AND an apostrophe!

#5: Always make sure the top of you blog has loads of content that isn't posts!

I always like it when I have to scroll several times to get past a wonderful picture and some superfluous text in order to read your most recent posts! It's like opening up a wonderful gift that's been wrapped with extra-attention! The anticipation is fantastic!

#6: You fooled us! Love that anime character/graphic that tops your blog!

Oh yes, I love being swerved! It keeps me on my toes! After all, when I saw that hot cartoon women at the top of your blog, I really had a VERY "cool" picture of you! I was shocked when you told me via your post that you're a 58 year-old woman with seven kids who's battling a cheeseburger addiction and the weight problem therein! I mean, you should have seen my face when I realised, "Wow! You really aren't the major comic-style hotty on your graphic?" That just made me want to read your blog more!

#7: Who cares if you haven't REALLY been diagnosed! You know enough! Tell me what ails you!

Bi-Polar? Manic Depressive? Sure, there are blogs with folks who have been legitimately diagnosed with these ailments, but when I see one where it was based on the blogger's self-diagnosis thanks to a TV show or a book or two, I get a real rush! I mean, you're proving that YOU know more about yourself than any professional does... and then you tell other's how you deal with that! Man alive, that's fantastic! Nothing like a real helping hand with these issues from someone in the know who are far more capable of giving advice and insight than those who have been diagnosed by a doctor...

#8: More ads! More banners! More text links!

What's better than a pure commercial? I mean, sure, you do the occasional post about the latest Bond movie... but then six pay-per-post messages intersected with sixteen banner and a side-bar with text links! After all, you gotta make money, right? ...and isn't that why I'm reading your blog... to make you money? Don't offer me any of that mamby-pamby content stuff... that's not what I'm here in the blogsphere for! I want business, baby! Sell me sumthin' for someone else, please! (Oh, and this is for those blogs, unlike that "Nuttin' But Pimp" blog, that really don't appear to be "marketing site"... until you're on them, then you find out they are WONDERFUL stores once there!)

#9: Thank you for telling me who needs to be killed horribly and why!

When it comes to politics online, thank God that we have so many blogs telling me how much the alternative party/side is killing whichever country they are in... and how, in many cases, they need to die! I mean, if you want to swing me to your thinking, don't bother me with pointing out what's good about YOUR party/side's effort and what good they've done, tell me how your opposite number is terrible and needs to be put to death or charged as treasonists! Don't bother trying to educate me with facts about the good, clobber me over the head with the bad! That really convinces me to change my mind... or stay where I was... and the fact you've devoted your blog to the intense hatred of these opposite numbers REALLY lets me know how bad they truly must be!

#10: Thank God for your BLOG!

I know that, usually, I'm spiritually bankrupt while I'm surfing about... and then there's those blogs that REALLY enlighten me! They offer lessons (usually for a fee or at least, a "donation",) to learn more about God and Jesus... and how miracles work... and I couldn't be happier... Especially when Jesus himself tells me how anyone that isn't a Christian or a right-winger is going to heck in a hand basket! It's VERY helpful and we appreciate hearing Jesus' own words answering questions on a blog!

Here endeth the suggestions... soon, I will release my "How to be a Great Surfer" suggestions... as a teaser...

#1: On "Click and Comment Monday", don't waste your time reading the blogs you come across, just click comment, make a brief comment like "Here for click and comment Monday!" and get your link in their comments page!

Why waste your valuable time actually READING a blog when you can get your link on their comments page to impress Technorati and gain a bit of traffic with such a quick statement! Don't worry, us bloggers don't mind your "quick-no-brain" comment when you do!

Please Note: This is not a shot at those who actually COMMENT intelligently on "Click 'n Comment Monday"... just those that do drive-by comments of NO relevance.

Truths:

I have to get these off my chest too... so please let me add the following...

#1 "Not being sure", "wishful thinking", and "my great, great, great, great, great, grand aunt was one" does not REALLY make you a Native North American. (Read: Aboriginal, First Nations Member, Indian...) I don't care what someone else told you.

#2 Magic is spelt that way - Emm-Ay-Gee-Eye-See... not with a "k" or a "y" or a "j"... unless your name is Alistair Crowley or you're writing for Buffy - The Vampire Slayer, you really should just stick with the proper spelling.

#3 Namaste is a Hindu greeting. If you're not familiar with its meaning or are not Hindu or you're not into yoga, please, don't use it.

#4 Wicca is not really ancient. Sorry. It's BASED on some ancient stuff, but it's true roots are from the 1930's.

The standard last note on the old blog... PLEASE SUPPORT THE DREAM!

This blog is here to help promote a dream that an entire family shares... that dream is to rescue an old London Double-Decker bus.

Please, if you have a few minutes, take some time to find out more about this bus and the kooky dream by clicking here.

This bus is VERY special to myself and the whole family, and any help any person can lend us would be most gratefully accepted.

If you or someone you know might be interested, there's our pixel ad site, HelpCoverTheBus.Com and a PayPal donation button (see the upper-right hand side of the blog) and, of course, a Cafe Press shop for T-Shirts and shtuff!
(...and who doesn't need some shtuff!)

Please help us make this dream a reality and save a piece of history!

We thank you for your support!

Please Note: We are also hoping for help from a public relations/marketing standpoint... If you might be able to assist OR know someone who might be willing to, please click here and read this entry...